Working Mother’s Guilt

The hardest part of my job is spending time away from my family. Right now my husband and daughter are in New York and I am in Orlando. They need to be there because Charlotte has a month more of school and my husband has work. I have to continue to host iVillage Live, so we are spending the weekends together and the work weeks apart. It is like physical pain to be away from my family. That sounds so dramatic but it is really how I feel.

My daughter, on the other hand, seems to take my absences in stride. The phone calls are brutal. I hang on her every word and she says things like, “I can’t talk now, I am eating my peanut butter sandwich” or “Can you call back after Clifford is over?” I remind myself that this is a good sign. She is obviously fine with my husband and coping with our time apart. It is hard not to steer the conversation the wrong way; “Do you miss Mommy? Are you feeling teary??” The term “Leading the witness” comes to mind.

Truthfully, I am the one feeling teary. Part of it is my fear that the pursuit of my career will cause her some irreparable harm. My own mother was home with us every day and that haunts me when I miss a function at the school. My wise husband reminds me that it is good for her to see me working and that I will be a role model for her, not only as a loving Mom, but also as a woman with a career she loves. His words help, but I know my broken heart won’t feel whole until my family is living together again.

Comments

My mom wasn't at every function...but my dad filled in a bit - so between them it worked out. And I was just happy that they cared enough to go when they could. I didn't get harmed cause mom wasn't always around due to work...and she gave me a great example that both parents ought to be part of this whole process and to find a guy who would be not only a working man but also one who would be there for the family. I think THAT is a message you are sending too - that it's not just about the mom...that the dad matters too!

My mom and dad came to MAYBE 2 of my functions at school and trust me then it might have hurt a little but now I really could have cared less I had fun and that was it.

It really comes down to how we define time with our children. Are we defining it as time spent together, so we can check off society's box that says we're a good parent because we're there physically but not emotionally? Or are we defining it as the time we commit to raising great children, even if some of it has to be by telephone?

Children know if their parents are there for them or not. I do think it's a bit harder on the moms. It just takes a little more work on our part when we're juggling it all, probably a perception more induced by guilt than anything else.

I've come to learn it truly is our attitudes about how we live our lives and the values we share that make the biggest difference. Anyhow, if I were my kids I'd choose Clifford over talking to me anyday!

When we're working we feel guilty and sad because we aren't spending time with our loved ones. When we're spending time with our loved ones, we feel guilty and sometimes anxious because we aren't working. I wonder what would happen if we acknowledged these feelings and accepted them as a way to help us keep a balance in our life.

I agree with your husband's comments. So much of the time we don't think about what we are modelig not only to our children but to other people around us. For instance, when I model asking for support or being true to who I am, then I am giving others around me permission to do the same.
I hear some sadness at not being with your family. We don't like sadness so without realizing it we often, with lightening speed, shift sad to another feeling such as guilt, or anger.
I practice not judging my feelings, rather process them {journaling?) and then ask myself, "What am I committed to?" and act on my committment.
Coach Doreen

Try to be positive when you talk to her when you're not home. You will feel horrible being far and knowing she is having a hard time.

Also, try to enjoy your work as much as possible, but when it's over focus on your family. You would be overwhelmed staying all day home without dedicating time to your personal interests.

Try to go to some school functions, because you need to, is it you who is willing to participate in those celebrations.

Always keep an excelent communication with your daughter, she will feel loved and will understand you.

I am new mom, and it has actually happened that someone has once said to me, "Don't you feel guilty going to work?" Wait a minute, did you really just say that? It's not about the quantity of time, it's the quality of time you spend with you kids that matter. So what if you can't get to every meet and greet or bake sale! If you love your kids, they will know where your heart is (even when you can't physically be there).

Hi there! Your site is cool!

Growing up, knowing that mom is at home was always some kind of assurance even though mom always nags.

I think ALL moms, working outside or INside the home, have guilt to some degree! We NEVER think we're getting it ALL right! We want to be the perfect mom, and yet 'life' creeps in with it's demands and responsibilities!

After years of being tied to a job, on someone else's schedule, I decided to take the plunge and start my own business. As the mom of 2 pre-teens, I've found that my decision has been the best one for our family. Working my own schedule allows me to be at ALL of my kids' functions, games, recitals, etc. Of course, it means that sometimes I end up back at the office after dinnertime, but the trade-off is worth it! I can now balance my dual-roles and fit everything into MY schedule!

It is difficult being a working parent. However,once your children know you love them they are more understanding.

Make sure when you are home you all of You. That means not reading email and taking calls while it is their time. BeingParents