Who’s Your Daddy
When my husband and I met, he had two amazing boys from his first marriage and I had one slightly overweight dachshund from mine. I was 34 years old and quietly desperate to have a baby. I had several male friends tell me I was what they called a “Cougar,” an older woman who wanted to get her claws into you and not let go. Michael and I met, had lots of fun and eventually, much to our surprise, fell in love. We had one sticking point ….the “B” word… oh yes, "Baby."
His life had a nice balance. He saw his kids regularly and we were free. We traveled, went to late movies on a moment's notice and shopped for meals one at a time. I was happy, but my biological clock was ticking, no, pounding out my last seconds of fertility. Not having a baby was a deal breaker for me and Michael understood that. It wasn’t until we were sitting up all night with our daughter screaming that I looked at him and said, “You must really love me to have agreed to do this again.”
When we look back on our debates, I always remember Michael saying that on his life list of “Things to do” he had already checked the box that said “have kids”. To this day he says my best argument was zero population growth… that we 3 (meaning he, his ex and I) would each have just one child. He appreciated that logic as it appealed to his environmental attitude. Finally I said, “Why don’t we just not try not to have a baby, and this (ladies reading who want a baby) is an excellent approach. We agreed that we wouldn’t try to have a child, but that we wouldn’t do anything to stop ourselves from having one…. Get it!!!! Men like this because they don’t have to talk about it and they just get to have lots of sex.
Chris Rock, one of my favorite comedians, says that when a man meets his friend’s girlfriend, he thinks, “Wow what a great girl. I want to meet someone just like her.” But when a woman meets her friend’s boyfriend she thinks, “Wow, what a great guy. I want him.” This killed me when I first heard it but I realized in some cases it’s true. Women often find men who have kids attractive. Men who have children are able to show off their parenting skills and that makes women like me want them even more! My husband is a great Dad; patient but not afraid of being tough. I wonder if there is some primal instinct at work here. Is there some code written into our genome that pushes us toward men who have already produced smart, attractive children? For me, I remember watching Michael with his sons thinking, just like the woman in Chris Rock’s story, “I want him.”
What a shame this doesn’t seem to apply to the male of the species. Most of my girlfriends with kids have a hard time meeting guys who will even go on a date with them because they have children. I guess Mr. Rock got it right for the guys too.
Comments
There's been a lot of talk about this on the single parent message boards lately--the discussion of sngle dads and whether that's a plus or minus in the dating pool.
I guess I'm in the minority in that I look at a guy with kids--even a great father with fabulous kids--and think, "No thanks, I've already GOT kids." But then again, I look at a guy who doesn't have kids and think the same thing, so there's that.
Molly, When I read your blog, I can tell how much time you take on it. You know how to relate to all of us who are going through what you are. Bravo!
Molly,
I think the saddest part about what Chris Rock is saying is that the women who think "my friend's husband or boyfriend is great, I want him" sometimes do end up with him and friends should be respectful of relationships. I currently have a friend who is violating my relationship with my husband by trying to seduce him. I see it and he is completely clueless he just thinks she is a "nice" person. If I am willing to cut off a friendship shouldn't he realize this is serious. What is wrong with men?
