Wicked Step-Mom????

Andrew Giuliani recently admitted to the NY Times and a few other publications that since his father remarried, things have been strained between them. He said that while he thought his Dad would make a great President, he would not be hitting the campaign trail. He also said his father missed his high school graduation, some important events of his sister's and that much of it was since his father’s new wife had entered the scene. These comments brought about a rash of articles about blended families and how second marriages are even less likely to succeed than first ones…. which are already in a pretty tenuous state. Needless to say, I read all of this with great intensity. As a step mom, these types of stories make me wake up in a cold sweat. Now let’s be honest, stepmothers get a bad rap. Cinderella’s stepmother dressed her in rags and made her clean house. She was kind compared to Snow White’s step mom who tried to have her killed on two separate occasions, once by a hit man (aka the woodsman) and another by poisoning.

Navigating the world of step-parenting is difficult at best because you always walk the thin line between being a friend and an authority figure. I remember a time early in my relationship with my now husband. We had been dating for a couple of years so I knew both of his boys pretty well and they were in Manhattan spending the weekend with Michael. He had to work for a few hours so I was hanging out with them until he finished. We were playing cards and they started playing war which is the card game that often dissolves into cards being fired all over the house. I am always worried about being the bad guy, so pretty soon there were cards everywhere, the boys were running around screaming and I was freaking out because they were starting to fight with pillows and I knew I had to say something. I was so worried about being their friend that I dreaded saying anything. But like all children, they were waiting for me to set some boundaries. I used this line for the first time then but it continues to work to this day… “Is this the kind of behavior your Dad would be ok with?” This usually stops a problem cold. I was faced with another issue a few years later. Everett wanted to play a video game and Michael had gone out to run. Now I knew Michael had said he had been on the computer too long but I wanted to be the fun-loving “cool” step mom. I came to my senses when this young boy looked at me devilishly and said, “I know, let’s just not tell him." Later I was happy with how I handled it… I told Ev he could play the game but when his Dad got back we would tell him about it. It was a good solution and it kept me from lying to my husband as well as on good terms with Everett.

Hal Runkel author of “Scream Free Parenting” was on “iVillage Live” on Monday. We were chatting and I told him about our blended family. He looked at me and said, “AHH, a wicked stepmother.” I looked shocked and he said all stepmother’s are wicked because they can never be what the kids want ..their real Mother. He told me the key was to "just let the relationship be … don’t try too hard." Work on being the best person you can be and hopefully, in the end, that will be enough …..even for a wicked stepmother.

Comments

I think that all mothers are at least a little bit wicked, whether they're stepmothers or not. No mother is ever going to be exactly what the children want--mine wasn't, and from what I could make out from Diva Girl's screaming tantrum last night, I'm sure not either.

I think that that is great advice for all parents, biological, adoptive, or step.

Thanks for that blog! I just stumbled upon it, and it made me feel good about how my situation is going. I'm about to get married to an awesome (of course)man who happens to have a 10 year old son. We get along pretty well, and mostly always have but I do worry about when we have kids...you know? His mother has already re-married, but it's unlikely they'll have any kids. Anyway...I liked what you said about being a mix of friend and authority figure.

How true it is! When I met my fiance, his kids were 7,5 & 3. I already knew what kind of a parental figure I would be, having been around kids all my life. However, I never considered the kind of parent I would be, having kids without THEM knowing ME from birth.
I get to do tons of girly things with the girls (who are the 2 oldest), and cool stuff with the youngest boy, too. I did figure out quite quickly that I needed to put into place my pre-conceived notions of my own parenting skills. (My fiance is not so much an authoritarian a lot of the time.)

Lucky for me, the kids were practically BEGGING for structure, guidelines, boundaries. We have a great relationship, even though it's trying at times.

My best advice - if you say you are going to do something, ALWAYS follow through! GOOD AND BAD. (And it's not that easy!!) In the end, they respect you for it and they know that they can always count on your word as true.

2 yrs later, I get more hugs than my fiance sometimes!