Sometimes, in the middle of the night...

My daughter Charlotte was born with a face only a mother could love. I was in labor for 36 hours and she weighed 9 1/2 lbs., so by the time she came out, one side of her face was easily an inch higher than the other. I remember looking at her thinking… well she has beautiful ears. My husband and I loved her on sight, it just wasn't such a pretty one. My friends say I exaggerate the lop-sidedness of her features but then I show them the pictures and they say “wow, she looks a lot better now.”

My husband has two sons from his first marriage so, to me, he was a god in the parenting department. It is kind of a wonderful dynamic because most of my friends barely let their partner touch the new child. I, on the other hand, would cry tears of joy when he looked at that horrible purple shriveled thing hanging from what was supposed to be her belly button and nod approvingly. “This looks great.” He would lay her out on her towel, bathe her and say, “It’s just like washing a chicken,” and I would think I will do anything to keep him happy.

Charlotte is 5 years old now but the memories came pouring back last night because one of my dearest friends just had her first baby. Tena called me saying, “I love her more than my own life but sometimes, late at night, I wish she would disappear. I feel so guilty.” At first, her words shocked me, and then…. I remembered …. It was 3:30 AM and I was leaning so far over the crib that the railing was cutting off the circulation to my arm. I’d told myself I would pat her 1000 times and then, and only then, try to step back. After the endless, mind-numbing counting, I slowed the cadence until I thought, “It’s asleep”. Then, with the quiet focus of a skilled hunter, I would back away, giddy in my success until… my foot kicked a random toy on the floor and suddenly, “Elmo want to be a chicken, Elmo want to be a duck”, echoed throughout our apartment. I’d freeze and my mind would scream NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO and then the telltale intake of breath as the devil baby realized I had the audacity to stop patting her. I thought oh yes, I remember those nights and “disappear” is a nice way of putting it.

So, to my dear friend Tena and all the other new Mom's out there, don't feel guilty! We always love our babies, but sometimes, in the middle of the night, we hate them… just a little.

Comments

It doesn't go away you know, that duality of feeling. Throughout your life as a parent, there will be times that you don't like your children. That you don't like being a mother. That you sit and think of all the other choices you could have made, and of how easy it would be to walk out the door and simply disappear.

But...you don't. Because for most of us, much as we might not like our children sometimes, we love them always.

It is ok to dream sometimes, though.

Thanx, I have been missing having those tiny baby things around since my baby turned 1-3 weeks ago. I thing if my husband wasn't "fixed" in May I would be trying to talk him into another one. Maybe not so much now. I will enjoy my friends new babies.

some days my boys are angels sent from heaven above, some days they are all boys covered in mud or gum in their hair. i love taking pictures of them while they sleep, so peaceful and perfact. but the in the middle of the night they just ain't as cute. i don't miss diapers either.

So, it's normal huh to have this duality feelings... I feel it too... whenever she makes me angry, i feel like, stop! n she fall asleep, deep in my heart i know that i really love her... one day without her, i don't know how to live.. day seems like to be purposeless... i love being a mother :)

I remember late one colic filled night when my daughter was about a week old having a totally lucid, and at the time seemingly rational thought--that I wouldn't have to let strangers raise her. I could just ask my mother to do it--I mean she already knew HOW to do it she'd raised me and I was (until that moment) a sane and well adjusted adult. Of course now looking back I see the absolute insanity of that thought. But in that moment when she'd been screaming for 7 consecutive hours I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore. In my mind the crying wouldn't stop until she graduated. :)

I always kinda thought of it this way I might not alway LIKE you but I ALWAYS LOVE you.

Part 1: I have been a single mother to 6 children ages 8, 10, 12, 13, 15, 17, and birth mother to a 20 year old. Four girls and 3 boys. My first child (20 yr old) I relinquished for adoption at birth. I was 17. I suffered 'empty arms" syndrome for many years.I was married for 10 years, and gave birth to the rest of my children within 9 of those years. Their father and I divorced when my youngest was 2 months old. I had a 9 and 7 yr old and 4 children under age 5. Many, many times I thought I would go mad and, at one point actually asked my former mother-in-law to take my children for a couple of months. She did. I was relieved for a week or so. Then the "guilt-monster" reared its ugly head. I could hardly bear talking to them on the phone due to the incessent "When are you coming for us mommy? We miss you!" How could they miss me? I was an overwhelmed, scream-aholic, depressed, and defeated. I retrieved my children and realized...there is no 'replacement' for a Mom. I wanted my children to be safe, even from me.

Part 2: My children became my priority. No matter what, we would stick together. I received help for my parenting, began implementing consistency, became unified as a family of 7. We had very little money so I encouraged 'creativity'. Toiletpaper cores and tape became 'binocculars'. Over stuffed pajamas and eyeliner became halloween costumes and makeup. Scrap paper became love letters from my children and love letters back to them from me. I would spend $10.00 a week to rent movies. Foodstamps would allow for the purchase popcorn, candy and comfort food and we'd have Movie Marathon Sunday. All day in pajamas, no housecleaning, just cuddling and loving eachother. I remember looking at my children, as we all lay together, and thinking: "Wow! I have SIX kids!" I felt so proud in that moment. I felt like a momma dog with her puppies all snuggled in, warm and safe. How fortunate I am to have six healthy children. I remember crying as I sat in front of my bills not knowing how I was going to keep the lights on.

Part 3: My then 6 year old son, leaned into me (his form of a hug) and asked why I was crying. I told him that I was tired of being poor! What he said next has stayed with me ever since. He said,"We're poor? We're not poor! We have eachother!" Man! That blew me away to hear that from him. The other kids chimed in "Yeah Mom, we have a place to live, food to eat, and we have YOU!" My greatest lesson in GRATITUDE to date. I have come to understand so much about life through them. Today, I receive the good with the 'bad'. I do my best to turn porverbial poison into spiritual medicine. I still get overwhelmed at times. Mostly when they argue, or they all need a ride to a different destination 10 miles and 5 minutes apart from eachother. But, 90% of the time I have a handle on things. Tonight, I looked up 'run away moms' on my search engine. I wanted to run away. After all, their father is back into thier lives and they are self sufficeint enough for me to go. I clicked onto this website and began reading what others..

Part 4: had posted. My frustration and anger began to subside. "Ok, so I'll take the 2 little ones with me. They're nicer, kinder, and they appreciate me". So, it took me a little longer to relax into my usual state of 'I love being a Mom!' It wasn't until I began writing this and remembering where we came from and knowing where we are now, that I began to, again, appreciate my children. In this moment. They are all tucked away in bed. Some went to bed angry with me. Not so fun. What's a mom to do? I beat myself up on occasion, disappoint them regularly, and love them always. Will I find them on 'Dr. Phil" in 5 years because I didn't let them join the wrestling team, basketball team, choir, AND the paintball team all at once? (My 13 year old son laments about this!) I guess I will have to pick out my finest consignment shop find for that taping when the time comes. In the mean time, I will do my best everyday. Even when the complaints come when I have proclaimed that it is "Feed your self Friday".